Being a birthkeeper runs through my veins. It is what I do and who I am. It is one of the deep loves of my life, but my journey to birthkeeping has been a wild ride, and it’s not over yet!
I lived my life as the ‘good girl’. Nodding, agreeing and doing what I was told. Always someone’s daughter, wife or mother, but never just me. This attitude followed me into the world as I went to school and work, birthed my babies and lived my life…I was bringing the good girl energy with me everywhere I went.
Now don’t get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with being a good girl. It’s fine as long as that’s who you are. But it becomes a problem if you’ve been socialised or conditioned into it to please others.
We learn in infancy about how to be in relationship with our world and those in it. This ‘knowledge’ is stored in our implicit memory and is a lifelong unconscious driver of our thoughts and behaviour.
I believed that good girls got good grades, smiled, laughed at bad jokes and kept their opinions to themselves. And, they certainly didn’t take up space, raise their voice or dare not to be friendly, especially to elders and people of importance.
As the good girl, I swallowed down my anger and dissatisfaction so as not to rock the boat. So scared of being rejected or shamed, I allowed myself to live a life filled with anxiety and frustration. I was conditioned to believe my feelings, beliefs, and desires weren’t necessary or worthy. I allowed people to push me around, disrespect and disregard my beliefs and ideas…even as an adult.
Then as a 39-year-old woman, I went back to university and met new, fun, intelligent people who had no expectations of me. They didn’t know the good girl, and I decided not to introduce them to her. I ‘tried on’ being myself. Speaking MY mind, sharing MY opinions…telling someone when their joke was racist, sexist or misogynistic, and it felt bloody fantastic!
It was challenging and time-consuming, but I learned that self-reflection and setting boundaries are the antidote to the good girl complex. I realised that my worth and value as a person have nothing to do with external factors. I taught myself to say no, even if I knew people would be disappointed. And the more I did it, the easier it became!
Instead of bending over backwards for others, I started working on my fears, especially of rejection. I worked on listening to and trusting my inner voice, the intuition I was born with but taught to ignore. Learned to love and trust myself through lots of deep, energetic work and connection and healing of my red thread. And realised I had a lot to say and an important message to share.
I finally started to hear my own voice. My thoughts. And most of all, my intuition. And that’s when it happened…this calling to start working with women, specifically pregnant and birthing women. At this point, I had no idea how the healing of my ‘Good Girl Complex’ would help me be a better Birthkeeper.
Working as a nurse for a very short time in one of Victoria’s most prominent public hospitals taught me first-hand how the health system treats people. (It was the driver in my decision to quit nursing and never reregister, but that’s another story.)
I understand how they get you to comply with what suits them and their business. I know their tactics to get you to agree to procedures and treatments. I understand the stigma they attach to you for being ‘non-compliant’ if you don’t do as they recommend. I deeply aware that most people don’t understand how hospital policies mean nothing in terms of your rights as a health consumer. They don’t want you to be aware of this little fact because you may start declining procedures that make their life and business smoother. All they care about is risk minimisation, but don’t be fooled…not a risk to you, the patient, but to them and their insurances.
Bringing this knowledge to my birth work felt so right. It felt like I had all the tools I needed to make a difference in the lives of birthing people.
So, nearly 4 years ago, I stepped into the birth room to support families as they birthed their babies in the system. 95% of the families I served were normal straightforward pregnancies: no ‘high risk’ complications, just people wanting a good birth. With every family, I would go through the birth process, the possible complications, and the cascade of interventions. Most couples wanted to write a birth plan to help them communicate their wishes to their care providers. I was always satisfied that they were going into their birth well prepared…they knew they didn’t need to be a ‘Good Girl’ in the birth suite. But with every single client, I witnessed them being pressured into procedures they stated they did not need or want… GTT, growth scans, stretch and sweeps, epidurals, episiotomies, inductions, augmentations, fetal scale monitors, CTG, cervical exams, and so on.
I witnessed women being talked down to and told if they didn’t comply, they would be endangering their babies and themselves. Sometimes this didn’t just happen once; it happened multiple times with multiple staff members, and if mum stayed strong, they would hone in on her partner. They persisted until the fear kicked in. Until these beautiful, strong women who had every intention of birthing their babies like birth warriors became so scared of death that they handed their bodies over to the system to be traumatised and abused.
No matter how much work I did with these families in preparation for birth…the fear releases, childbirth education, affirmations, herstory, spinning babies, EFT (tapping), meditation, hypnosis…it wasn’t enough to block the fear of being told their baby would die if they didn’t agree to a procedure.
Not only were birthing people and their families being traumatised but so was I!
I found myself not wanting to support hospital births anymore; I was turning clients away regularly because I didn’t want to step into a hospital birth suite again. I even considered hanging up my birth worker hat altogether.
I felt in my heart that being a ‘doula’ wasn’t right for me, but I persevered with it for way too long because I had been programmed to believe that birthing in the system and supporting births in the system was the only ‘right’ way of birthing. (I include midwife-led home births in this as well because even though they are on the very fringe of what is considered socially acceptable, they are still basically birthing in the system.) People who chose to leave the system and birth on their own terms were considered radical, uneducated, out of touch and dangerous…but this is where my heart was leading me.
Things started to change. I started to feel different about the birth world. My desire to support birth and birthing families was still strong, so I decided to pivot. I started to support mainly homebirth and free birth clients and limit the number of hospital births I attended. And through lots of soul and energetic work, mountains of journaling and calling in, I was finally able to let go of the years of programming I had endured, and I broke out of the doula mould.
I was finally a BIRTHKEEPER!
The difference in my mental health was unbelievable. I loved being at births again and watching women birth in their power, just as they were designed to do. Not having their decisions, desires or instincts judged or ridiculed. No one telling them that they wouldn’t be able to do it or that their choices would end in the death of their baby. Not being ‘saved’ from a normal biological function…just beautiful, safe, joyous births with strong, well-informed, dedicated families. My heart was full, and I learned a lot that my doula training hadn’t taught me.
I realised that as a doula, I was taught to do all the things to help women birth their babies. I suggested women get internal release work, bodywork, breathwork, birth trauma release, and all the other works. I told them to push, breathe, move, dance, and change positions. I recommended water, TENS, rebozo, Spinning Babies, acupressure and all the other things. Just like I had been taught. But what I didn’t do was sit quietly in reverence of the woman, her hard work and the process.
Shifting my focus from doula to birthkeeper helped me realise how much of an intervention I was when I was supporting birth. Being taught that doulas do, do, do meant that I was intervening in the woman’s birth space, whether she needed the help or not. I had been taught that birth was trustworthy, but to justify my presence in the birth suite, I needed to be busy, busy, busy!
But I found a different way of working. I found my North Stars…the elders in the birth world who really spoke to me. Their voice and their teachings lit up my mind, body and soul. I let go of all of the doula teachings I had gathered along they way (basic unlearning), and I re-educated myself in what it truly means to be with woman during birth. I felt a freedom I hadn’t experienced in my birth work before. I was free to support anyone I chose in whatever way felt right for us. No Doula binds tying my hands.
Birthkeeping allowed me to focus on the transformational work of birth. As a true Rite of Passage, birth is something to be done alone. No need for guidance or interference…just someone to witness you do it if that is your wish. If you don’t want a witness in your birth space, maybe you would like someone to walk beside you as you untangle the threads and peel back the layers to help you hear your ancestors’ whispers as they call you to claim your baby. Or it could be that you are looking for guidance in the Holistic Stages of Birth so you understand the journey you will undertake to achieve your transformation. This is all Birthkeeping, and I am totally here for it!
In life, as in birth, always trust your instincts. They are messages from your soul…that inner part of you that strives to make you whole.
Are you looking for a Birthkeeper to witness your birth transformation? Looking for someone who understands Birth as a Rite of Passage and is ready to affirm, support and nurture you through it. Reach out for a chat. Maybe you’ll hear the whisper that I am the Birthkeeper you’re looking for.
